Continued from… “I Alcoholic-ized That Poor Boy”

[In my ears: Don’t Let Me Down, The Chainsmokers]

A) It’s a reminder. If all other evidence were to fade away, the memories I have associated with handcuffs would, and have, sustain(ed) my sobriety. It’s not a fail-safe by any stretch, but it is pretty fucking powerful.

The 1st time I lost my mind:

Ever been handcuffed to a hospital bed in a four point restraint? I get panicky just thinking about it and it was over 5 years ago. If anything’s ever going to break me that’d be it. I’m writing in the school’s computer lab because my poor computer is senile, blind and deaf, hoping I don’t cry. Because it turns out I’m a crier. Who knew?

So you’re scared and confused and completely helpless in a strange place buzzing with people ignoring your hysterical pleading  – for something, anything – because you have no idea what’s going on and your reality has been yanked out from underneath you – and what is going on?!?!  Clearly you’ve done something wrong and you’re weeping apologies because maybe that will get them to take the cuffs off your wrists and ankles so you can curl into a ball and break apart properly in the relative safety and comfort of a fetal position. But you don’t even get that small kindness, you’re flat on your back at the mercy of all these strangers sticking shit into you but not once looking at your face or in the eye or acknowledging your existence or humanity. No one’s explaining so you try to fight your way free.

And I fought in a way I never have before or since. There have been rapes, one attempted because I threw him off of me over and over and over again, but the other times – didn’t fight. In the hospital I strained and raged until my ankles and wrists were cut up and my hroat so raw it was a croak. I fought with everything ounce that I had and I failed. Of course I failed. I’m not Houdini. But I’m not sure I can survive that again.

(The internet says not to post super lengthy tome-esque posts, so short and sweet it is.)

The second time I lost my mind, cops and more handcuffs continued at a later date…

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