Dear God,


Are you even paying attention? This is beyond inexcusable.


Come on. You already have the audacity and lack of sense to be invisible, but now you seem to have disappeared as an entity and concept entirely. Are you having an existential crisis? Is agnosticism beckoning? Or atheism, even! Jesus you’re so emo. Is that what this is all about?

Get a  grip.

I have half a mind to sue you for criminal negligence. I’d love nothing more than to slap a class action lawsuit on you so hard that you slam right down to earth and are  forced to wallow in this cesspool you so lovingly cultivate… except undoubtedly you can procure far more and better lawyers than even the entire aggregate of humanity, so, ultimately a waste of my not-infinite-time. You made me infuriatingly mortal and now you’re wasting my time with this offal?

Maybe you’re drunk?

Now, I know from prior experience that you posses a wicked sick sense of humor, but this shit down here totally trumps humor. Godfuckingdammit! (sorry not sorry) This shit down here totally surpasses humor, no contest.

Or maybe you’re acting out because you feel you haven’t been getting enough attention lately, and any attention is good attention and, very unlike you, you were lazy and chose the cheapest, tackiest way to make an entire planet full of people lookup at you. That we’re muttering, or screaming, “What the fuck?!?” in your direction apparently doesn’t matter. Do you feel validated now? Comfy in your uncontested omni-potent/present-ness? I’m pretty sure you transcend gender but your behavior smacks decidedly of petulant masculinity.

Or are we your guinea pig universe? And you’ve already moved on to the next one, a fresh start, determined that you have learned from your mistakes? For one, write your own damn holy texts, because clearly we fucked it up. Original sin? What the fuck. Copyrighted, translated and updatable – it’s supposed to be a textbook for life, no? Just come out with a new addition every century; you’ll make a fortune. While you’re at it please throw in some alternatives to hetero-normative monogamy.

Or maybe you knew this was going to happen all along so as a consolation prize you made sure that ‘orange’ is really hard to rhyme, so as to better insulate the world’s poets from allowing certain demagogues to infiltrate and corrupt our beautiful spinnings of language. Maybe you got way too into into Harry Potter and let it seep into your professional life and took He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to a whole new level. That is so inappropriate.

Or are you just going to burn the whole world down around us so that we may then rise a better, stronger phoenix of a species?



Your Humble Servant

*image not my own